Patriarchy is as toxic for men as it is for women. It’s a point I make with male clients struggling with identity and a topic I dissect in my male empowerment series. Men today are suffocated and suppressed by the old anti-male standards, struggling to figure out what it even means to be a man in the 21st century.
While male privilege is a real social phenomenon, of course, and even though women and trans people are its most visible victims, in fact, EVERY gender is harmed by the kind of pathological and mechanical approaches to human life that are at the core of patriarchal ideologies.
Patriarchy tears the heart out of authentic masculinity by creating bad role models and rigidly aligning with primitive, even pre-historic, models based on cis-men’s superior physical strength. You’ve undoubtedly heard men blame feminism for their social problems. They’re wrong. It’s patriarchy that enslaves them. If men weren’t treated like warriors in training (i.e., fodder for war machines) or inculcated with unrealistic expectations and absurd role models in the first place, feminism would make sense. Because feminism is about equality. Patriarchy, by nature, is a vast complex of inequalities that micro-judge manliness according to the amount of money you earn, the amount of suffering you can endure, and the length of your sex organ.
All the myths and lies, all the false teachings and sick embrace of brutal, belligerent role-models cause infinitely more harm to male self-identity than anything feminism could ever do. Instead of building organic male identity, based on authentic needs, patriarchy teaches men that their penis is the most important part of masculine identity, that sexual performance defines them as men, that they aren’t entitled to be sensual or sensitive, and that it is their duty to remold themselves into socially-condoned stereotypes rather than become who they really are.
So what is “authentic masculinity,” you may be wondering. Simple: it’s the psychological and emotional freedom to be true to yourself. It’s about rejecting the bullshit that men are widgets who must all measure up to one set of standards. It’s about connecting with the real human being your are — sentient, sensitive, responsive, and constantly evolving.
The effluvium of counter-intuitive bullshit that flows from patriarchal teachings brainwashes men into believing their emotions are a sign of weakness. I recently heard a former Marine cite the training slogan, “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” Pain isn’t a release. It’s a response. It’s a negative and very human experience. There are no special exceptions for males. Pain doesn’t care about your gender. Lies like that just set men up for failure and self-hatred. Because sooner or later, they have to face the fact that they are human beings first and that their gender doesn’t exempt them from life’s pains and frustration.
Which brings me to the topic at hand. Based on my clinical experience, cis-men are, by far, the least likely to recognize when they are being abused. Even in relationships where it is patently obvious to everyone around them, they will stubbornly discount it. They rationalize, they assert their own guilt, they start vociferously defending their partners’ indefensible behaviors. Once in a while, someone mansplains why his pain isn’t important, even while I’m handing him tissues to wipe away his tears.
This fundamental disconnect between what is really happening in your emotional life and a state of denial about it is arguably the most psychologically destructive force in any person’s life. It eliminates the possibility of genuine self-growth, for one, because you refuse to learn from experience. It splits people into two people: the one they really are and the one they let others see. Over time, they themselves aren’t sure which person is real, the smiling public face or the haggard frightened one they wear inside. We see it in all genders, but it’s cis-men who are the most likely to accept abuse as their normal, as their lot in life, and something they must nobly endure, urged on by patriarchal propaganda telling them they’re weak, inadequate milquetoasts if they admit to being normal human beings.
Here are the five most common reasons men stay in abusive relationships.
They don’t believe that men can be abused.
They’re supposed to warriors, right? With unimpeachable authority. The masters of their castles! So whatever happens in the house, uh, it happens. They can’t be abused because, well, abuse makes them sound unmasterly, unsoldierly, and castrated. Can’t have that. So they deny they are being abused even when they show up in my office with a still-fresh scratch from a recent “disagreement with the wife.”
They are too ashamed to admit they’re being abused.
The natural outgrowth of patriarchal myths about masculinity is that men who don’t measure up — which is most honest men who aren’t wearing a trained mask over their pain — feel like failures. Admitting they are victims makes them look as weak as they feel. Acknowledging they don’t have power over their lives makes them “hen-pecked” or otherwise pathetic to their male friends. Some men go to the grave hiding their abuse because they are just too ashamed to admit they failed to become the man their parents, their football coach or their drill sergeant told them they were supposed to be. The guy you punch but who gets back up again and takes another one. POW. Because that’s what they really believe is the Manly Way. #SAD
Abuse is their normal.
Their lives were harsh from the start. One of their parents was a tyrant or whipped them into compliance. Being treated as unimportant was their norm. No one held them, cuddled them or told them they were precious. All the little slights, snubs and insults, that’s just a normal part of being manly for them. Showing fear or weakness made them losers or effeminate. They were trained to do a job — whether that was serving their country or holding down a nine-to-five. They don’t expect anyone to consider how they feel about any of it. Instead, it’s their job, as men, to pretend they don’t feel anything. Numbness is the Manly Way. #SADDER
They don’t understand what abuse is.
One of my clients was married to a demonic woman. When she was annoyed with him, she keyed his car. When he showed up late for dinner, she hurt his dog (!!!!). She viciously mocked him in front of their children and claimed his penis was too small to please her. She even showed up at his workplace to spy on the secretaries. When I tried to broach the subject of abuse with him, he turned to stone. She was a good Christian woman who went to church every Sunday. Maybe she had a bad temper but she was a good woman. She kept a nice home too. Besides, he was the man: he was letting her be that way. No matter how bad he felt he didn’t think any woman was capable of abuse. That was only something men did. When women did it, they had a reason. Like their period or something.
They discount their own feelings.
When you meet a guy who is quiet, introverted, the “strong silent type,” chances are that, actually, he’s a roiling mass of conflicted emotion under the surface, someone who was never allowed to voice his real feelings, much less to find support for his life’s challenges and disappointments. He has learned to lock that shit down tight, sometimes so tight that he doesn’t know anything about himself. He’s learned to live with his disappointments, to swallow his rage, to sublimate his needs and to submit to the patriarchal ideal unquestioningly. He is furious about it but he’s also so shut down that he doesn’t even understand that he, like every single person on this planet, is entitled to his own feelings.
If you’ve read this far, you will definitely be interested in my radical analyses of how negative culture messages harm male sexual performance and how to break out of its lock-grip on your mind. Chock full of meaty thoughts and tasty techniques and tips to change your sex game for life.
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The Male Empowerment Series
Let Gloria help you heal your life.
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