Non-Consent Fucks Us Up (but you CAN change the world)

I post a lot of sex commentary on my FaceBook Page and try to focus on the positive news because, despite all the attempts to stifle candid sexual discussion in this political climate, the science of sex is alive and well, and brings inspiring headlines every day.  All around us, there are new advances in sexual health and science, new studies of how diversity is normal, and historic breakthroughs in advocacy for sexual freedom as a human right.   I want to emphasize that.   But sometimes I also post about sex scandals and sex crimes too, especially if the case is interesting or enlightening in some way.   When it comes to violations of sexual consent, both large and small, there is a neverendingly gloomy buttload of stories to pick from.

Non-consensual sex and sexual abuse take thousands of different forms.   If you thought sexual aggression is a problem that primarily harms young women, you could not be more wrong.  Elderly people are at risk, particularly in institutions and nursing homes.  Men are at risk, particularly gay/bi men and men of color.  Transgender people are at an alarming risk of assault.  Boys are molested roughly at the same rates as girls are, something we’re only beginning to publicly admit.

OK, I won’t say “blame the patriarchy,” but I will note that most people have been indoctrinated into a mythic, anti-sex, pro-reproductive belief system.   Boiled down, it’s like this:  heterosexual fucking in a married couple is the only right way to have sex.   For convenience, I’m going to call it the Philosophy of Prudism.  It’s a philosophy that sprouted and evolved from ancient Greco-Roman Stoicism and then Catholic canons and has dominated the human landscape ever since.  Based on this fundamental (and fundamentally absurd) philosophy, people have come to demonize the vast majority of normal human sexual behaviors as being perverted behavior.  This includes everything from masturbation to fetishes and poly and LGBT and everything else that isn’t reproductive sex but feels great.

Prudism’s child is the multi-headed monster of hate.  Prudism means people will literally kill others to preserve the lie that there is only one right way to have sex.   Sex science and history both prove that diversity is the absolute bottom line in all aspects of human life.  We are not mass-produced widgets. Thank you, DNA, for giving each human being a unique genetic template!  DNA doesn’t just tell us who we are related to and what health risks we face — it informs what kinds of needs and desires we have in ordinary life.  DNA explains the billions of small differentials in our sex and gender identities too.

For the most part, we accept the non-sexual differentials without question.  People don’t care if you’re eating chicken or fish or whether you wear your long hair in a pony-tail or braids.  No one but fashion editors gives a shit whether your skirt falls above your knees or below.  Yet a lot of humans become outraged if you express sexual differentials.  This isn’t a LGBTQ-limited problem.  When straight people have sex before marriage, they are likely to get beaten by the prude stick as if they are unclean people.  If people admit they prefer oral sex to penetrative sex, some people will think something’s wrong with them — even though the vast majority of women (as much as 80%, according to a recent study) cannot have orgasms during penetrative sex and have a biological need for oral or manual stim or something else to climax.

Meanwhile, if you have “too much sex,” you’re an addict.  If you don’t have “enough sex,” you need a shrink.  Or a pill.  Or an injection.  If someone admits to being asexual, people want to send them to a psychiatrist as if all they need is to be repaired to a reproductive model in order to fit the perfect mold.  On and on it goes.  There is barely any non-binary, non-reproductive sexual behavior that escapes Prudist wrath.  “You’re only supposed to do it this way!” they shout.  They’re wrong. That’s a myth based on a lie rooted in ignorance.

Prudism is a leading cause of sex crimes
and sexual trauma.

Although prudes will claim — without any proof, of course — that they maintain their position to protect morals and keep people sexually safe and spiritually clean, what’s far truer is that Prudism is a leading cause of sex crimes and sexual trauma.

Prudist assertions that there is a “right way” to be sexual or to express gender has created classes of criminals whose only crime was doing something that offends Prudists.  This includes everyone from sex workers and their clients, porn stars and their audiences, and totally law-abiding but kinky or queer or poly or transgender or LGB people.  Prudist societies create artificial moral tensions around everything from courtship rituals to marriage.  But even worse, Prudism promotes a culture of hate, where people in boxes labeled “immoral” or “abnormal,” are targeted while Prudists continue to get away with forcing children into underage marriages, hiding molestation and abuse behind lily-white walls, and closing their eyes to men who sexually exploit or rape their girlfriends and wives.

The idea that “abnormal” sex is the ultimate degradation has particular appeal to offenders.  It becomes a fixture in sick minds, a final insult they can deliver to their victims, an ultimate way to conquer and destroy.   It’s a victory for Prudism with many layers.  Not only are many genuine crimes going unpunished, victims may face shaming and condemnation for being victims.  Some rape victims shut their mouths and won’t talk about because they believe others will think less of them or treat them as a devalued commodity.  Men won’t admit to rapes and molestation because they think it makes them look weak in Prudist society, where every man is supposed to be socially dominant.  Women fear no one will want them because they’ve been tainted.  And they’re all right.  Prudes are always the first to suggest that men are weaklings, that women were complicit in their own victimhood, always the first to demonize people for making human mistakes or because they shouldn’t have worn a certain outfit or should have known better than to go to a bar late at night.  Prudism is, in a word, hateful.

Think about all the women who stepped forward in the Cosby case: how many years did it take for them to admit it happened? They knew that they would be called gold-diggers or ambitious bitches or sluts who were asking for it.  Why?  Because anyone who agreed to go to a hotel room with a famous celebrity should expect to get raped?  Only prudes think that way.

Prudism doesn’t just abound in global culture, it dominates global culture.  It controls the dialogue, making normal people look like perverts while the real perverts, the people who get off on non-consensuality, generally expect to get a free pass as other prudes rush in to blame the victims instead of the perpetrators.

REALITY CHECK!  There is only one wrong kind of sex, only one kind of harmful sex, only one kind of truly perverted and depraved sex.  That is non-consensual sex.

 

The kind of sex you want and enjoy does not mess you up.

No matter its form, regardless of the color, class or religion of the victim,  the only kind of sex that is proven to cause harm, mentally, physically, and socially to people, is non-consensual sex.   Sex criminals come in all ages and genders.  Check out this creepy collage of mugshots circulating online.

source: all over the Internet, including http://ninetymilesfromtyranny.blogspot.com

 

These ladies are common pedophiles but will their victims get their day in court, or will prudes rush in to lewdly wink and say “Gee, I wish I had her class in high school!” and then blame the victims?  Maybe.  Follow sex crimes, and you’ll see that adults who engage in consensual behavior (homosexuality, consensual sadomasochism, swinging, etc.) may face worse legal punishments than privileged adults who are protected by their good looks, their race or their bank account.

Look at the sad state of prostitution.  Why isn’t it legal?  Sex-work won’t screw you up as long as it’s work you enjoy.  It is traumatic to people who are forced into prostitution but to people who enjoy the work — which is to say the vast majority of contemporary sex-workers, be they escorts, strippers, adult stars or something else  — sex-work is fun and mostly harmless.   Yet American law punishes people for exchanging money for sex, not because it is any way harmful to the individuals or to society, but because…Prudism!  Prudism turns mutually consensual adult pleasures into crimes and makes innocent people look as bad as molesters and rapists.

This is the kind of stuff that drives sexologists crazy.  Why do we punish people who indulge in mutually enjoyable sex that harms none?  It’s non-consent that fucks you up, whether you are a 5 years old, 25 years old, or 95 years old.   If someone sexually hurts you or takes unfair sexual advantage of you, the pain of it can ruin your quality of life.  Here’s a sex science fact to chew on:  we were born to get all warm and fuzzy and juicy when someone or something turns us on.  But our brains freeze with fear and anxiety when we don’t want sex.

Consider this woman’s anger at being violated by an upskirt fetishist.  Did she want him to look at her crotch?  No, she did not. Did she consent to it?  Hell no she didn’t.  Should it be considered a sex crime?  YES.  Why? Because she didn’t want it and because non-consent hurts us.

 

via https://www.facebook.com/SexDoctorBrame

 

Maybe in a better, fairer world, a woman could laugh this off as some idiot trying to slime on her.  In a Prudish world, that isn’t possible.  Some types of rape don’t even have to be physical to inflict damage on a person’s dignity, well-being, sense-of-self, and rights to body integrity. We were raised to believe that any unconventional sexual quirk is dangerous.  We were raised to believe the twisted lie that if we are moral we will, somehow, be exempt from sexual assault and its traumas.  Prudism confuses the line between consent and non-consent.  Did the victim ask for it by wearing slutty clothes?  By partying with the perp?   Does the victim share blame because the victim is sexy? Should victims just shut up rather than face a loss of social status?

Prudist society says yes: shut up, hide it, don’t talk about, especially if the perpetrator is someone who has a social status above your own.  We never try to silence victims of shootings or thefts, though.  We don’t tell them to ignore the wounds and trauma or hold them as responsible for crimes as we do their perpetrators.  Prudist assumptions silence victims of sexual assault.  Thus we have millions of undocumented cases of boys molested by adults who parade as moral authorities (think Jerry Sandusky, pedophile priests, or any of the above-shown school teachers) and millions more who don’t even know they have a right to what happens to their own bodies.

So let’s talk about what a better, sexually saner world would look like.  It would first and foremost be a world where all mutually consensual adult behaviors were accepted, tolerated, and protected as human rights. It would be a world that didn’t marginalize and penalize people for gender diversity or sexual variety.  It would be a world that made sexual consent a primary value, regardless of the nature of the intimacy.  It would be a world where prostitution was at long last legalized so that consenting providers and consenting clients could have fun without feeling ashamed or fearing arrest.   It would be, in other words, a world where people paid attention to human realities above philosophies that are really relics of socio-religious tyranny.

Here is a round-up of how non-consent poisons human life and why it should be the new standard for viewing all types of sex and gender behaviors.

Four Ways Non-Consent Hurts People

  • It changes how we see life.  When a non-consensual encounter occurs, it changes our psychology.  It typically enslaves us with guilt and shame.  It often results in depression, grieving, confusion, and even PTSD if the experience was bad enough.  No matter who we were before the abuse, people feel differently about life after it happens.
  • It changes how we see our opportunities in life.  Once damaged, the future looks grimmer than ever before.  Trust issues, fear of being abused again, denial that it happened, and a range of other energy-sapping emotional conflicts are psychologically exhausting for victims.  It makes them feel less equipped to survive, less deserving of good things and more likely to see life through a dark lens.
  • It changes our relationship with ourselves.  Maybe the hardest part of overcoming sex abuse is getting past the sense that you are sexually broken and tainted.  Non-consensual sex destabilizes our self-image.  Some abuse victims privately harm themselves as a result of the stress, taking all their frustrations and anxieties out on their bodies.  Many develop eating disorders.  Some find it difficult to enjoy sex, have orgasms or fully let go in bed, even with trusted partners.  Others fear their fantasies or cope with profound conflicts over whether there was something else they could have done to prevent it or whether they were somehow to blame for their own victimhood.
  • It diminishes our chances of forming thriving relationships.  The vastly diverse complex of after-abuse reactions means that many victims end up in unstable relationships with people who are equally unstable or, worse and so painful to witness, end up with people who re-victimize them.   The greater the hurt, the more likely that the victim will have compromised sexual performance and fewer emotional resources than others, and that can set them up for relationship failure.

But we can change the world  We can start the work today by talking about consent and teaching consent and removing the guilt and shame that victims experience by acknowledging their human right to consent and by putting the blame squarely on the shoulders of perpetrators of sex and gender violence.

 

Three HARD Rules About Consent to Live By

 

  • The person you have sexual contact with gave you CLEAR (verbal or otherwise) permission to have sexual contact with them.  Assume nothing.   Until all partners express eagerness, it isn’t consensual.
  • The person you have sexual contact with is of legal age.  This is a given.  Youth are the most vulnerable population because their sex and gender development are still in development, something I talk about in my upcoming ebook (coming real soon!).   Any adult interference in their sexual development can leave permanent scars.
  • The person you have sexual contact with agrees with you on what that sexual contact means (whether it will be safer sex, what acts it will include, and what if any commitments it may imply).  This is incredibly important in order for all partners to feel good before, during and after the experience.
  • The person is legally capable of giving consent.  Dead people cannot give consent.  Significantly mentally disabled people cannot give consent.  Drunk, drugged out or sleeping people cannot give consent.  Unmedicated mentally ill people cannot give consent.  Did I miss anyone?  Oh, right Zombies.  Don’t touch the undead.  Seriously.  If they can’t give you informed consent in a complete and rational sentence, lay off.

You CAN Change the World

Our world does not have to permanently trapped in the insane loop of religious ideology ruling what is really a simple scientific principle:  CONSENT MATTERS.  Here’s what you can do.

First, get educated.  Consent is the dividing line between right sex and wrong sex, good sex and bad sex, harmless sex and harmful sex.  Throw away the stupid misconceptions that it’s about the type of sex they’re having.  If they enjoy it and want it, accept it as their right.

Second, educate everyone around you.  If you have kids, start teaching them the basic of consent when they are toddlers and progressively grow that understanding as they move through different stages of development.  Toddlers need to understand the difference between good touch and bad touch; kids in puberty need to understand both their own right to privacy and their friends’ right to the same privacy, and teens need to understand exactly the same things that adults understand about consent.  But don’t just limit it to kids.  Talk to your elders about it.  Talk to your siblings.  Talk to anyone you think is at risk.  Just talk about it.  Spreading the word is your contribution to making consent a reality.

Third, share this.  Post it to a group and open it for discussion.  Print it out and talk to your kids about it.  Or use it to start a conversation with someone who gives some predators a free pass.   Make them think.  And if, one day you hear your positive message coming out of their mouths, pat yourself on the back.  You just saved someone’s life by waking them to the realities of consent.  And, as the Talmud says, “whoever saves a life saves the entire world.”   Go you.

 

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A Guide For Parents

Gloria’s new guide for parents who want to take a proactive approach towards teaching their kids about sex.

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