photo: Love Joy Passion http://unsplash/@lovejoypassion
Loyalty. It’s a virtue that most adults expect of their friends, family, and partners. No one wants to feel betrayed by someone close to them. It hurts. It makes you question why the betrayer was in your circle of trust.
In BDSM/Kink/poly relationships, it’s generally considered a pillar of our ethos. We try to live up to our commitments, and few commitments grab us by the body/mind connection as powerfully as a BDSM collaring or contract.
BUT (you knew it was coming, right?), sometimes we misplace our loyalties. We fall in with someone(s) who’s so hot! They say the things we crave to hear. It pushes our easily-aroused buttons. Then, one day, we realize it was a seduction tactic, a game to them. Their commitment doesn’t match ours. We don’t like the way we’re being treated. Our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Or, worse, we come to the bitter realization that they were never the people they pretended to be.
Healthy people with good self-esteem usually end those relationships decisively. Then they move on, often to something much better. The rest of us… nah, not so much.
The Loyalty Trap
Typical Scenario
You’ve negotiated a consensual arrangement but, at some point, your partner announces they’ve changed or you find they’ve wiggled out of the terms. They now expect you to accept their changes without putting up a fight. Instead of working with you to alleviate your anxieties or really listening to what you are saying, they act as if you’re the problem.
Still, you signed up to be loyal so now loyalty matters more to you than your personal happiness. So you tell yourself, anyway.
Don’t Listen to the Excuses in your Head
From conversations with clients, these two excuses really stick out.
Them: (after explaining how unhappy they are) I feel guilty about complaining. I’m sure other people have it worse.
Me: Yes. But many people have it better too. So let’s talk about you. If you’re unhappy, complaining isn’t the problem. The real problem here is that you’re discounting your own feelings. You’re trying to make excuses for all the red flags you see.
Them: (after explaining how everyone thinks the relationship is perfect). People would be shocked and disappointed if we fell apart.
Me: Honey, your real friends already know. Ever consider that they would be more disappointed if you stayed when they see that your partner is dragging you down? If you want a happy life, you have to follow your heart, not public opinion.
Loyalty or Emotional Masochism?
Take a cold look at your lopsided relationship. Is what you call loyalty really a type of emotional masochism? Are you working even harder to sustain it at a time when you should be pulling up roots and making new plans? Are you hiding things from your therapist or friends because you don’t want to face the truth?
Loyalty is an essential virtue. Vital to the stability of long-term relationships. But it can’t be one-sided. If you are more loyal to your partner than they are to you, it implies that they matter more to you than you matter to yourself.
Sometimes we stay for reasons that have nothing to do directly with kink but come from much deeper places — like shame, insecurity, fear of being alone, and trauma.
And, by the way, it can happen to masters and mistresses too. Don’t deceive yourself into believing you have a sacred duty to rescue your sub or to put up with willful disobedience — particularly if they are breaking their promises without offering discussion and renegotiation.
It’s Not Disloyal to Stand Up For Yourself
It’s not disloyal to become unhappy with the way your relationship is turning out.
It is disloyal to *your own interests* (and possibly theirs) to avoid dealing with it.
Whether a kinky or a poly relationship encounters new circumstances, new opportunities, or goes off-track, it’s time to renegotiate your needs and boundaries together. If your partner won’t grow with you, then you won’t be able to evolve TOGETHER. If you can’t evolve together, you probably won’t ever fix what’s broken.
Meanwhile, if your partner flat-out refuses to renegotiate relationship terms, it isn’t consensual kink or poly. In fact, it might be psychological abuse. Talk to someone. Get help.
Realistic Approach
Change happens! Change is the only thing you can really count on in life. In long-term partnerships, a solid rule to embrace change is “evolve or perish.”
— if your partner is willing to renegotiate, have each person make a list of old vows they’ve come to question and new ones they would like to include before you sit and analyze it all together. Don’t start negotiating until both sides complete a list with at least 3-4 possible changes they believe would make your relationship better.
— in cases of conflicts or underlying issues, work with a therapist or coach
— agree to disagree and begin taking steps to dissolve the relationship, preferably with a mutual understanding that your lives have taken different paths
In Sum . . .
Your happiness matters.
Your body, your mind, your needs, your desires — they all matter. And they damn well better matter to the people who vowed to serve or rule you. We may be unequal in our power dynamic but we are absolutely equal in our need to feel respected and cherished.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who behaves as if your needs aren’t important, your loyalties are misplaced. That’s no way to live.
