How are you doing?
How do you usually answer that question? Do you say “I’m doing fine” when, on the inside, things are not fine?
By the time you’ve reached adulthood, you’ve likely experienced personal loss, serious illness, or heartache. You’ve survived. Even when the odds seemed impossible, you pulled yourself along. And now here you are.
Doing “fine” but, are you really? Or are you hanging on and trying to keep everything going?
Maybe you are surviving — but are you thriving?
Self-Quiz
Take this short self-quiz to see how you’re doing.
Answer yes, sometimes, not usually, or no. Write down your answers so you can tally your score at the end.
1. I wake up in a pretty good mood most days. yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
2. I find it hard to relax yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
3. I enjoy having an orgasm when I want one yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
4, I constantly feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
5. I enjoy my sex life yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
6. I take good care of myself and my body yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
7. I feel lonely a lot, even when I am not alone yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
8. I am not comfortable in my body yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
9. I enjoy masturbating yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
10. I’m enjoying my life. yes, sometimes, not usually, or no
SCORING
Questions 1, 3, 5, 6, 9, and 10: score yourself +5 for yes, +3 for sometimes, +1 not usually, and 0 for no.
Questions: 2, 4, 7, and 8: score yourself +5 for no, +3 for not usually, +1 for sometimes, and 0 for no.
Highest total points: 50 Lowest total points: 0
What is Surviving
Score 20 to 35
Surviving is what most people feel they’re doing every day. Just getting through. We call it “the daily grind.”
Surviving usually implies that you do things more from a sense of duty or obligation than because you really enjoy doing them. It’s living in a “have to” mentality. Survivors usually go along to get along. Suppress their true desires.
This leads to stress and frustration, and honestly, it’s how most people live. They’re not asking for what they really want, and they’re not getting it either. They bottle it up. And then they get their completely predictable stress disorder.
If you’re in this category, likely you’re also not asking for what you really want in bed. You may occasionally have problems with desire and performance.
Surviving is … surviving. It isn’t achieving your potentials but it is meeting your basic needs. You could go on like this, but you only get one life. Is this what you’re going to settle for?
Thriving!
Score 35-50
If you scored high on the quiz, you probably have excellent sexual health.
Thriving is being your best self, both to yourself and to the people around you. You are making time for the important stuff, including satisfying your sexual needs.
You should be proud of yourself for hitting that mark. You are rare. You find delight in the life you lead, and feel fairly satisfied with your sexual choices, whether in a partnered relationship or not. You may also feel fulfilled by the types of things you get to do in bed and the frequency of your intimacy. If your sex life makes you happy, congratulations: you are that fortunate adult who has found what works for you.
Wake up call — you are not doing fine
Score: 0 to 20
You are not living your best life. Not even close. You’re not finding satisfaction. Instead, you may be struggling privately with self-doubt, poor self-esteem, even a sense of helplessness. Feeling trapped.
Your sex life probably reflects your daily reality: it doesn’t bring you the joy it should. Maybe you feel stuck with no way out.
I’ve heard from many people who’ve felt just like that. Right before I helped them build the fulfilling lives they’re now enjoying.
This is what therapists are here for. Whether it’s me or someone else, see someone. When you realize you can’t go on like this, remember – you don’t have to.
