Why do people always call it “talking dirty” when referring to the erotic, moistening things we say or squeal when we’re aroused? I mean, what’s dirty about giving voice to your sexiest feelings and intimate thoughts? There is nothing dirty about it to me.
OK, so maybe we use profanity to describe our body parts or use words and terms we wouldn’t say in polite conversation or in front of the kids. But, really, between consenting adults, whatever sounds and words you make in bed are not at all dirty. They are the language of love, really. They are vocalizations of passion and much of the time, especially if you are uninhibited, those words and sounds come from a place so deep inside you, you don’t realize they were inside you until you let them out. That is the power and beauty of sexual pleasure: it triggers us to unleash our primal vocalizations of ecstasy. It’s so sexy!
So I advocate for people to throw off their inhibitions and give themselves permission to allow their primal voice to speak up. It opens new layers of intimacy for couples to hear each other’s sexiest, most primal voices; it enhances arousal for all; and it makes you connect on a deeper level with your authentic wiring, and that incredibly sexy person you are beneath the skin. Maybe the biggest benefit, though, is that the freer you are to express your real feelings in bed, the freer you will free to talk about your sexual feelings with your partners outside of bed. Once you get into the habit of verbalizing your sexual emotions, you get yourself on the path to better, deeper conversations with the one you love about how to achieve new, more ecstatic goals for sex.
Try these two fun techniques to free your voice in bed.
Reclaim Your Sexy Body Names
1. Pick sexy new names for all your sexy bits.
Stop calling your breasts “the girls” or your penis “little Elvis” or anything else that is silly. Give them real adult names of your choosing, words that will sound sexy when you whisper them in bed. TIP: it doesn’t have to be profane. For example, if you don’t want to say “tits” or “boobs,” you can call them “ripe fruits” or “sweet melons” or something else that is evocative of sweetness and pleasure. If words like “cock” or “dick” aren’t your style, “rod” is a traditional word for “tool,” another useful term you can try.
WHY: First, it will help you to reclaim those parts in positive new ways. Clinical terms (penis and vagina) can sound antiseptic in intimacy, while profanity can sound disrespectful, depending on the partner. There is no law on this. You have the power to call them by words that might even turn you and your partner on. You’ll find that it helps you relax more and enjoy speaking out more if you are fully comfortable with your own sexy vocabulary.
BONUS: By using words for your body parts that you are comfortable with, you won’t be embarrassed to use those words, which means you will be more likely to ask for what you want in direct terms.
2. Make a list of the five favorite parts of your or your partner’s body.
Now see how many different ways you can describe those five body parts. Don’t use the common slang words for them. You can borrow from the wide world of fruits to describe breasts or testicles; you can attach the words “love” or “pleasure” to a term to create sexy terms for them, like “love-giver” or “pleasure tool” for penis or “love-temple” for vagina. You get the idea. While you may giggle and snicker as you make this list, well, actually, please do, darling, that’s good for you too. But after you stop laughing, I hope you will realize that learning to see every sexy part of the human body in positive ways helps you free yourself to enjoy better sex.
WHY: This exercise will help you start to reframe your own way of looking at your own or your partner’s body. Instead of just a dismissive or “dirty” word to describe a part of the body, it will make your brain come up with beautiful, positive ways of perceiving those parts.
BONUS: Your brain will thank you for improving your erotic lexicon. By replacing negative or childish words to describe sexual body parts with erotic and mature descriptions, your brain will start to reward you for the positive feedback with better sex chemistry. It also will enhance your verbal intimacy and chase away negative associations with body parts. And all that adds up to a sexier, happier you.
For more fun, check out my audio, Uncaging Your Primal Voice, an in-depth series of guided exercises where I teach adults how to empower their primal voices in bed. Remember, I KNOW you’re sexy!
