1. BDSM contracts are not legally binding
In case you ever wondered (or believed someone who claimed otherwise), BDSM contracts are not legally binding in the United States. You may find a creepy lawyer to sign off on your Master/slave contract but it will still be a worthless document in the eyes of the law. The US has long-standing laws that make it a federal crime for citizens to own a human or be owned by one. So “slave contracts” are illegal by nature. Domestic violence laws are also in place which state that you cannot consent to “abuse.” Depending on your local court system, “abuse” may include many common BDSM acts and relationship dynamics.
Note that in rare cases, a contract may give some evidence of mutual consent in court. Still, presenting a slave contract in court leaves you vulnerable to a judge’s whim and potential additional charges.
So what good are contracts? They are awesome relationship tools! They are the heart of some BDSM relationships, helping both sides stay honest and ethical. They allow you to think about and express exactly what you want, what you don’t what, and what boundaries you both have.
Bottom Line: Don’t kid yourself about the legality of contracts. The genuine power of a Master/slave or other BDSM contract is the power you give it in your heart. If you both believe in it and abide by it, it can bring you fulfillment. Otherwise, it’s null and void.
2. A contract is only as good as your commitment to the contract
A former client, I’ll call her Janeen, told me about all the ways in which her Master had violated their contract. For example, he brought a third person in without discussing it with her and he only played with her in public where his friends could see him acting all Masterly. At home, she became the beta slave: he played with the other person while she continued to serve his domestic needs. She did her chores diligently, stuck to all her promises, and gradually came to feel like a third wheel in her own Master/slave arrangement. She had tried everything to rectify the situation, essentially punishing herself extravagantly by redoubling her submission and trying not to listen to what her head — or her friends — said.
The one thing she never did was hold her Master accountable for destroying their contract in spirit and act. And therein lies the problem: if one person in the relationship doesn’t abide by the spirit of the contract or fulfill the commitments outlined in the contract , that contract becomes BROKEN.
BDSM contracts only work when people stick to their agreements. If anyone stops abiding by the contract, whether in action or spirit, your choices are to renegotiate new mutually accepted terms or end the relationship. You can’t have a mutually consensual relationship with someone who breaks your consent.
Bottom Line: If you stay in a relationships knowing your partner broke your contact, you will sabotage your chances at personal happiness. The contract will harm your aspirations for self-growth and a happily-ever-after.
3. All BDSM contracts are negotiable over the life of the BDSM relationship
BDSM contracts are written (or agreed to verbally) according to the feelings of the people at the time they consented to the contract. Feelings aren’t written in stone, and neither are BDSM contracts. They evolve whenever the people who signed the contract need change. In Different Loving Too, most well-seasoned BDSMers said that they continually adjust terms with their primary partners. A sub may discover that the strict discipline they wanted at the beginning doesn’t feel the same after a substantial weight loss or an illness. A dom may get a bad back and not be able to wield whips or handle rigging anymore. Limits may expand to include more adventurous fantasies or contract to narrow the relationship focus. All big changes need to be discussed and renegotiated.
It’s good to review and update contracts periodically. It is critical to renegotiate terms if there’s been a breach of trust. Can you fix it together? Can you renegotiate so the contract reflects where you are today — and where you want to be tomorrow? Maybe you can save the relationship. Renegotiate!
Bottom Line: A BDSM contract doesn’t mean you are tied to the vows you made 20 years ago. If you’ve changed, or your desires have changed (which happens for most!), a renegotiated contract is the best way to keep your relationship transparent and mutually consensual. Of course, if that original contract still makes everyone happy, you’re doing great!
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Read what BDSMers with 20+ years of experience with the lifestyle have to say about their learning curves and personal evolutions.
