THE FIRST FAIL IS THE DEEPEST
Louie had a date lined up with his biggest crush, MJ. He’d been trying to line it up for months. When MJ agreed to a dinner invitation, he was ecstatic. He spent hours picking out the perfect spot and spent his nights fantasizing about the date. He fantasized about sex they’d have, and how it would feel to plunge his rock-hard penis into MJ’s hot, delicious ass. He bought an expensive bottle of wine and put it in the fridge, cleaned his place top to bottom, and thoughtfully put fresh towels in the bathroom, in case MJ stayed over. The planning alone got him hard. He could barely get through a day without jerking off at least a couple of times and mooning over MJ’s FaceBook profile.
When date-night finally arrived, it started off just like his fantasies. They shared a slightly awkward but still very sweet kiss when they met up and had a great time at the restaurant he’d picked. On the way back to Louie’s place, MJ held his hand. Louie was thrilled. Everything was going exactly as planned.
Or so he thought until he got into bed with MJ. Then it was as if his penis had never gotten the news that his crush was lying there naked and ready because it just dangled softly, at one point managing to rise to rubber, and then falling back down in shame. Louie was so devastated by this turn of events that the evening turned out to be a total disaster. When he said “I swear this is the first time,” MJ looked skeptical and muttered, “Yeah, sure.” Louie finally fled to the bathroom to calm himself down and when he came back out, MJ had left. Louie was in a state of disbelief — and total humiliation. He ended up drinking the whole bottle of wine himself and using the fresh towels to clean up his puke afterward.
The next day, when his friends asked how the big date turned out, he told them that nothing happened after dinner, he just went home and got drunk. Which was, in one sense, true; and, in another sense, a big fat lie. Something had happened alright. He was just too freaked out about it to talk about it. Because, while most men say “this is the first time this ever happened” even when it’s happened dozens of times before, this was the first time it had ever happened to Louie. It was as if someone had pulled the carpet out from under him. He always thought of himself as Mr. Ever-Ready, with an unfailing libido that drove his dick like a hammer.
This first experience of situational softness triggered a complicated cycle of emotions that built on each other, snowballing into the full-on panic attack that brought him to me.
The episode was a shock. WTF, man?! He was only 31. This couldn’t be happening!
The shock triggered insecurity. What if he couldn’t please a partner? Who would ever want to be with him if he couldn’t be a real man?
The insecurity triggered self-blame. He jerked off too much. Masturbation depleted his energy for sex and would eventually make him totally impotent with partners.
The self-blame triggered self-hatred. He was a limp-dick. He was less than a man. He didn’t deserve MJ or anyone else. He was pathetic.
The self-hatred triggered fear of abandonment. No one could love him. He’d never be good enough. He was too fucked up. He’d end up all alone in the world.
The Male Body is Not A Machine
John, a smart, handsome guy in his mid-20s thought his life was over because he was not able to get it up with his fiancee. He didn’t understand what was going on, and after talking to his dad, he felt even worse, because his old man said that he shouldn’t marry a girl if he couldn’t satisfy her. John adored his fiancee and was convinced she was the right girl. So why couldn’t he get it up with her in bed?
The thing was…there was another girl. An ex who was now a side-chick. Despite his marital intentions, John couldn’t resist his ex’s booty calls. They were just too good. He had great sex with her and never had to worry about getting hard. It boosted his battered ego and gave him a couple of hours of feeling like a real man. But when he got back home to his fiancee, he felt guiltier and more inadequate than ever. He didn’t deserve her. He was all kinds of fucked up. One day, his fiancee would figure that out for herself and kick him to the curb.
His problems were affection the relationship. He wasn’t affectionate as before because he was worried she’d then expect sex and he was trying to avoid it. He couldn’t be honest with her because she would never accept his side-chick. He was angry at himself for not living up to his promises. He was even angry at his penis. Why wasn’t it doing what he wanted when he wanted? In his perfect world, he’d always be ready to go with Ms. True-Love and not even aroused by Ms. On-the-Side. That would be normal. But his penis had a mind of its own. It didn’t care who he loved. It was leading him down a dark path. His future looked uncertain and grim. If he couldn’t get it up with someone he loved, he’d never get married or have kids. He might as well become a monk.
Alas, poor Louie and John. They had my full sympathy. What most men never learn about the penis is that, in the course of a cis-male’s adult life, situational (meaning, related to your situation) softness (not impotence, which has an organic cause) is a normal event. Men don’t learn that when growing up because patriarchal assumptions make men feel like their erections and their sense of masculine identity are interchangeable. Worse, they were trained to believe that a man’s value is measured by his ability to perform. Being able to get hard on command means you are a strong, virile guy; softness means failure.They see it in mechanical terms as if a man’s body should be able to perform regardless of how he feels.
To gender deconstruct this a little, imagine women growing up with the expectation that they will always be in the mood for sex, that their genitals will always get wet enough for easy penetration, and that unless their clitoris swells, they are not real women. I mean LOL! Seriously! We don’t judge women by the performance of their genitals. But men judge themselves that way. And, sometimes, their equally clueless partners judge them too.
The idea that men can and should get hard whenever they have a chance to get laid is scientifically ridiculous. It echoes the Victorian science, not the reality of human biology. Men are not machines. They have feelings. And feelings are the prime culprits in most incidences of SS.
SITUATIONAL SOFTNESS IS COMMON
Most failures to launch are a phenomenon I call Situational Softness (SS). SS is not a symptom of chronic impotence. More often than not, it is a symptom of internal conflicts, stress and fatigue. Yes, believe it or not, men are not always “in the mood.” Like other-gendered human beings, anything can bring them down and make it difficult if not impossible to get or stay hard. And while internal conflicts are usually to blame, there is a wide range of simpler reasons for SS. It can happen if you didn’t get enough sleep. It can happen if you drank too much. It can even happen if you had a bad day at work or your favorite sports team lost a big game. And, by the way, it can happen if you’re not really that into your partner. Maybe they said something that bothered you. Maybe their habits or even their body parts turn you off. Sex drive doesn’t exist in a vaccum. It starts in your brain. So if there is a turn-off factor, it may translate into softness. SS is basically your brain saying, “Dear Sir, You are a human being with human emotions and human frailties and now is not the right time for your penis to erect. So it won’t. Love, your brain.”
Louie didn’t have ED. He was able to get hard when he masturbated and had successful sex with numerous partners. Since most of his hook-ups were casual, he never really put a lot of emotion or planning into them, keeping them casual and no-strings. But with MJ, Louie had tried to micromanage everything, down to the fresh towels and the overpriced wine. He had treated the date like a life-changing event. He was so invested in pleasing MR and pulling off a perfect date, that he had the sexual version of stage fright, i.e., performance anxiety. Then, instead of dealing, he locked himself in the bathroom. Louie might have been able to rescue the situation, and the potential relationship, if he knew that SS is just a temporary setback, not indicative in his case of anything but a major case of nerves.
John didn’t have ED either. Ms. On-the-Side was proof of that. John had guilt. Crushing, overwhelming guilt that broke his heart and sent him into the same emotional tailspin as Louie. Once we began sorting out his emotions, it started to make sense why this was happening to him. His shame and guilt about lying to his fiancee was crippling his sexual performance with her. He couldn’t get into bed with her without feeling like a hypocrite and liar. He’d get hard right away, because she was so beautiful to him, but seconds later he fell into the same trap of negative thoughts. As long as he brought shame and guilt to bed, he was going to keep failing. Stress chemicals were overpowering sex chemicals in his body and dampening blood flow. It’s the rare man who can sustain an erection when his heart is breaking. John’s stress was literally making him limp.
Don’t let SS make you feel like less of a man. Here are three tips to help you get through the awkwardness if and when it happens to you.
Take a quick mental inventory. Did you get enough sleep? Fatigue can temporary impair sexual function. Did you have enough to eat and drink — or did you have too much? Both food extremes can depress male sexual performance. Poor nutrition and dehydration, as well as over-eating and imbibing a lot of alcohol or sugary drinks, can diminish your ability to perform. Are you feeling confident or are you a nervous wreck? Anxiety is the opposite of sexiness. Finally: do you really want to be there? Sometimes SS is a sign that your partner just doesn’t turn you on. Be honest with yourself as you run the inventory and remember that emotional negativity is a real obstacle to intimacy. John came to the realization that his double life was destroying him. He parted ways permanently with the side-chick and channeled his energy into building a healthy intimacy with the girl of his dreams. If you can find a direct cause, you can address it, fix it, and avoid a similar situation in the future.
Make it all about your partner. Instead of obsessing over your penis, shift your focus to your partner. This is the perfect time to show them how well you can use your mouth and hands (or toys and gadgets, if you and said partner are inclined). Try to give them an orgasm or two, whether or not you will follow up with penetration. Distract yourself from your own negative thoughts and the stress they create. You can refresh yourself and rebuild the lust simply by focusing on their pleasure and letting their positive reactions to your touches put you back in control of the situation. Even if the erection doesn’t come back this time, your partner will at least get pleasure from the encounter, which will make them want to come back another time. Knowing that you can please your partner will help your self-confidence and allay the fear that you can’t satisfy them in bed.
Bust the stress with a low-key break. Louie could have spared himself months of therapy if he’d taken proper care of himself when the SS occurred. Instead, he created a depressing drama out of a mushy molehill and his simple case of SS turned into a game-changer with MJ. When he realized he wasn’t getting hard, Louie could have used that as an opportunity to offer to dash into the kitchen and pour them both a glass of wine. It’s possible that just by doing something simple and relaxing, like pouring wine, and then having a few sips with MJ, would have been all the relaxation he needed to get back on the penis horse and ride. Other simple tricks to slow your brain down and let the sex magic take over include giving or getting a massage before sex, doing a relaxing meditation before sex (check out this free audio and breathe with me), or distracting yourself for a few minutes (picking out some music, getting an extra pillow, or staring out the window). Change the pace and the emotional atmosphere and you may change your penis performance for the better right then and there.
Happy humping, and don’t let SS get you down. It’s normal and even better, you can fix it yourself through all natural means.
In my new series on Male Sexual Empowerment, I give you everything you need to know about the differences between ED and SS, a quick test you can do to determine if it’s ED or SS, what kind of performance to expect from a at each age and stage of life, from teen years to old age. The “Man-Firmations” series will guide you to an empowered, self-loving place while my clinically-tested techniques, including “Conscious Masturbation” will teach you how to maximize blood flow to the penis and rev up your sex life.
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The Male Empowerment Series
Get bigger, last longer, learn to love yourself naturally!
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