I’ve noticed a trickle of recent stories about how sex isn’t as important as the Internet thinks it is to relationships, including a range of personal stories from people asserting that they are totally happy with their sexless marriages.
Both those points are valid to some degree. The Internet runs on 24/7 lust because it is accessed 24/7 by people around the globe. In real life, away from devices, indulging in fantasies and impulses rarely occupy more than an hour a day for most sexually active adults (excepting, of course, sex-industry workers). So absolutely yes, in that respect, sex is indeed just a part of adult life, not a 24/7 preoccupation as it appears on-line.
And, sure, there are many happy sexless marriages. There always have been people who either never cared in the first place (such as some asexuals) or lost their interest in sex for a medical reason and have other compensations that keep them cheery.
Remember, though, some people do their prison time cheerily too. You know what I’m saying? Humans are phenomenally adaptive to bad circumstances and have the core strength to overcome their pain and focus on the positive. It’s one of the most admirable features of human nature. But that does NOT mean that the pain isn’t eating them away on the inside in invisible ways, either. I often wonder what happens to people who don’t reap the biological benefits of orgasms.
Since orgasms have been proven to significantly reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, does that mean people who don’t have orgasms are much more likely to have heart problems? That’s the only logical inference.
As mentioned in one of the articles, there are plenty of people who say they’re satisfied with sexless marriages. None of the stories mentioned the science on the importance of orgasms to adult health. For example, do people in sexless marriages have a high risk of disease than people who follow medical advice to aim for 2-3 each week. Since orgasms have been proven to significantly reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease (just to mention one of the benefits), does that mean people who don’t have orgasms are much more likely to have heart problems? That’s the only logical inference.
Cross-disciplinary medical science is pretty clear: sexual release and the natural sex chemistry of the brain serve vital functions in preserving and prolonging health. Orgasms are a form of all-natural immunotherapy that helps to prevent reproductive cancers too.
The reality is that unless medical researchers can prove that you’ll live as long without sex as if you’re sexually active, no one can say what the long-term effects of abstinence really are. What if it shortens people’s lives and destroys their health? Reassuring people that sexless relationships are fine is irresponsible and unscientific. It’s like reassuring them that junk food is good for them because they like the taste of grease.
As a therapist, I see the repercussions of people who are married or serious relationships and who are not getting the sexual satisfaction they expected. They come to my office because at least one of them, and often both, are distressed about it. They are suffering emotionally and psychologically. They hunger for passion. They want to have orgasms. They act and feel older than their age. They feel unwanted and unattractive. They need someone to love them physically to feel whole, to repair their self-esteem, to nurture their spirit. Or they want to live out their fantasies. And they don’t want to cheat (unless they already have and are now trying to rekindle sex in the marriage to repair it).
You can see the frustration in couples whose sex lives dried up. Sessions are intense. People cry. They get angry. They argue and accuse each other. They feel jealous and confused. Conflicts over a dead sex life aren’t just about the sex either. They are about feeling rejected. They are about not getting what they thought their marriage contract guaranteed. They are about feeling ignored or undervalued. They raise fears of divorce or abandonment. Sometimes, a dead sex life makes people feel like their partners are using sex to punish them — and not in sexy consensual ways.
The psychological fall-out can be so disastrous, people develop stress disorders. Several of my clients over the years have dramatically relieved chronic stress disorders, lowered their blood pressure, or improved their immunity to diseases by finally admitting they were sexually unhappy and then taking concrete action to get what they really want.
The typically horny adult is likely to develop physical and emotional problems as a result of long periods of abstinence.
I’m going to put asexuals and trans people to the side here because in my experience, sex itself can bring them stress, not benefit, which complicates their health picture, making it hard to know (again, since we lack the scientific research) whether the benefits of orgasm are offset by the stresses or alienation they may feel during a sexual encounter. I hope we’ll know one day but we do not today. What we do know is that the averagely gendered and sexualized, typically horny adult is likely to develop physical and emotional problems as a result of long periods of abstinence.
I always aim to repair and heal sexless marriages and help adults learn to love intimacy. If they simply can’t have partnered sex, for whatever reason, but want to stay together then I encourage them to masturbate regularly to compensate.
Are you in a sexless relationship? Did it build slowly to that point over time? That’s how it typically occurs but sometimes a bomb goes off — someone cheats, a fight gets unforgivably ugly, someone gets very sick — and a few days without sex turns into weeks, months and eventually years.
The reasons why sexlessness becomes a norm — sometimes even an acceptable norm for some couples– is as individual as the couple itself, and cannot be fully analyzed until you hear everyone’s personal story. Anything and everything can impact a couple’s interpersonal dynamic, from traumas (such as abuse) to the role models their parents established.
So let me get more general and talk about the 3 most common categories of problems that I’ve seen that can make the joy of sex turn into the sorrow and the pity of sexual dysfunction.
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Sexual Incompatibility
Whether it’s two adults with different sex styles (one likes it hard, the other prefers it sensual), different needs (kinky or otherwise), or different sex drives (one needs it every day, the other prefers once a week), sexual incompatibility can lead to frustration, boredom and loss of interest in sex. Sure, the first few years you may grin and bear it, but give it long enough and that little thing about your partner that once bugged you now starts to feel like a giant claw climbing up your ass.
Basic sexual compatibility is also a leading cause of relationship dysfunction. It puts people on opposing sides, pitting their needs against each other. It’s pretty common for the more confident partner in the relationship to shame and blame the weaker, more emotionally submissive partner, and make them feel broken for not being exactly like their more confident partner. If these kinds of conflicts persist for years, they often snowball into significant emotional crises that may cause rage episodes, depression, illness, and even violence.
Sex can feel so complicated or hard to negotiate, that you’d rather skip it. And then you skip it again until one day, there is no sex life at all, just a lot of bottled up hurt and resentment. This is probably the number one reason most partnered sex lives die. It’s a pity to me because if both partners are willing to do the work, these issues actually can be resolved by sex therapy.
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Sex/Gender Identity conflicts
Your authentic sex and/or gender identity play a role in the type of sex you want and the type of person you want to have it with. Most of us know gay people who married straight people and cisgender people who married transgender people. Similarly, lots of BDSMers, bisexuals swingers, and poly people married people who don’t share their orientations either. Obviously, sex/gender differences can create problems in couples. If they are not getting the kind of sex they want, partners will grow bored or lose some degree of sexual function, finding it harder to have orgasms even when they do have sex. If they don’t feel accepted in bed, or if they lose sexual function, they start avoiding their negative feelings by avoiding sex altogether. And if they are in denial about the kind of sex they really need and want, they may permanently check out on the sex life rather than own their authentic needs.
That said, mental attitudes play a huge role in alleviating tensions and learning to co-exist without breaking up a relationship, even when identities are not compatible on the surface. It depends on the couple and how committed they are to finding solutions. If kids or elderly parents are in the picture, staying together may feel like a necessity, not a choice. I help clients decide how much they can work as a team to iron out a viable compromise. For some, that means an open relationship. For others, it means negotiating new boundaries. But for people who bring strict expectations into a relationship or otherwise can’t stand the thought of not being on the same page about sex/gender identity as their partners, divorce is usually the healthiest option. Whatever path they ultimately choose, though, I stress that sexual health matters and they should work on ways to get the orgasms they need, whether it’s with their partner, through masturbation or by finding a new and more compatible partner.
Whatever path they ultimately choose, though, I stress that sexual health matters and they should work on ways to get the orgasms they need, whether it’s with their partner, through masturbation or by finding a new and more compatible partner.
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Evolving Adult Biology
When you start a new romantic relationship with someone who turns you on, you can almost count on 1-2 years of reasonably satisfying sex. Even if it isn’t the sex you always fantasized about or the ideal partner you had in your head years ago, “new sex” or “honeymoon sex” has real biological underpinnings. In a nutshell, your hormones are going crazy because you are so aroused by having sex with this person. For some people, it’s enough that they are having sex at all.
Sooner or later those hormones go back to normal levels, as our bodies evolve and change. Pregnancy is usually a woman’s first encounter with unexpected losses and/or unexpected spikes in desire. Depending on her partner, these fluctuations in hormones can be a blessing, a curse, or both at the same time. After giving birth, it’s also pretty common for couples to make less time for sex and devote as much time as possible to babycare instead. That’s great for baby but can become a problem for parents if they don’t break out of that loop and get back to their own sex life. And then there is the reality that our bodies age. By the time a man is 40+, his testosterone levels are starting to go down. A dad in his 40s, in fact, probably has less testosterone in his body than his 14-year-old son has.
Sadly, when adults start to see their genitals acting differently from the way they acted when they were young or in the throes of new love, they wrongly assume this means they’re getting old and need to slow down or stop their sex lives. The opposite is true: maintaining your sexual health is important in later life because it needs an assist from you now to stay youthful. “Feeling in the mood” should never be a deal-breaker for intimacy. I tell clients that sex is a healthy choice each of us should make for ourselves. Hoping to feel like an 18-year old again is a vicious way to sabotage your happiness. Just try to feel like the sexiest you can be at your age, whatever that age may be. Learning how to power up and put yourself in the mood at any age is an amazing skill that every adult can and should learn.
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