June 19, 2001

Vanilla Sex Criminals

As I was ingesting my daily dose of grisly news today, I found a very sad item about the murder of a woman on Long Island (NYC). Reading it, though, made me wonder...how come when people with sm interests commit murder, it's billed as "SM Murder!" and when gay people commit murder, it's called "Gay Murder!"--whereas when vanillas commit similar crimes, well, it's just plain "Murder" with no indictment of vanilla sex?

Did you ever think about this? That all BDSMers are somehow held responsible for the treacherous acts of people who share some of our kinks? It's been on my mind lately because of an article in the June issue of VANITY FAIR about those murders in Kansas by a guy who trolled BDSM rooms on the Net. (For you fans out there, DIFFERENT LOVING was cited in the VF piece for a definition of BDSM. Now..why didn't VF bother to contact me for a current opinion on that Kansas tragedy? Hmmm...could it be they felt that my opinions might ruin their underlying premise that SM sex and death mix?)

I am tired of the willful ignorance of people who think that BDSM is synonymous with criminal behavior. It makes me so mad, I feel like getting my SM gun and hunting those reporters down like the vanilla varmint they are, and tearing 'em limb from limb before stringing them up on a...uhhh....(ahem...straightening leather skirt and smiling). Never mind.

Here, first, is the actual news item as it appeared in today's issue of the New York Post:

Tuesday June 19 03:52 a.m. Edt
EX-CON ARRESTED IN SEX SLAY OF L.I. EXEC By KIERAN CROWLEY

An ex-con laborer has been busted for allegedly robbing and sexually molesting Long Island executive Deborah Banoff - then bludgeoning her to death to silence her, authorities said.

The 29-year-old Bohemia woman's body was found battered, bloody and bound in a wooded area of Deer Park last week.

Meanwhile, suspect Joseph Melville was driving around in his victim's car, police said. A tipster recognized the vehicle from TV news reports and called cops. Melville was later apprehended at an OTB parlor in Farmingdale.

Police said Melville, 36, of 158 Acorn St. in Central Islip, worked on a loading dock of a company opposite Banoff's place of business in Hauppaugue. Investigators said Melville saw Banoff, a purchasing manager at Tuttnauer USA, open the office every morning alone and decided to rob her.

Last Wednesday at 7 a.m., Melville kidnapped Banoff, bound her hands and feet and drove to a wooded area adjacent to the Deer Park Long Island Rail Road station, police said. There, he allegedly untied her feet, forced her to walk into the woods, and sexually assaulted her. Then, he beat her to death with a concrete block and drove off in her gold 1999 Pontiac Grand Am, cops said.

"I groped her breasts," cops said Melville confessed to them Sunday. "I smashed a concrete block onto her head numerous times. I knew I had to kill her or I would have to go back to jail."

Melville had previously served three years in prison for robbing two women in separate incidents. Suffolk County homicide detectives got their break on Sunday, when a woman said she saw Melville at the wheel of Banoff's car in Farmingdale. She then followed him to the OTB parlor, where she was able to identify him to cops. He was charged with first-degree murder, and could face the death penalty.

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Now, here's how this piece might be reported in a BDSM publication--if we were as clueless and arrogant as the mainstream press, that is.

VANILLA SEX SLAY!
by submissivemissdogplop, Lord High Master Dragonface's one of many happily degraded underlings

A sexually straight Long Island man has been charged in the molestation and murder of a vanilla woman. Using techniques familiar to vanilla sex criminalogists, Joseph Melville watched his victim from a distance, openly ogling her as she unlocked her office every morning.

"One can only wonder whether he experienced the typical vanilla reaction of furtively ogling women and also experienced a vanilla erection as he contemplated the evil he planned to wreak upon her," comments Dr. Vishnu Haddaclue, Medical Examiner.

Using the treacherous vanilla tactics of creep-up-and-attack, Melville overwhelmed the vanilla woman, and proceeded to murder her in blunt-force style--techniques that police and forensic experts agree are the typical arsenal of vanilla sex criminals.

"I wouldn't say that all vanillas are dangerous," states Dr. H.M. Poufnstouf, Columbia University professor of Pathologically Normal Sexuality and the author of "FUCK ME OR DIE, BITCH: The Psychopathology of Vanilla Sex Criminals." "But since the advent of the Internet, I think we all need to be aware that as more and more vanillas find out about vanilla sex, and have access to more and more vanilla porn sites, such crimes are likely to increase."

"It's all those anal sex sites!" observes Sgt. Ima Butt, in a perfect non sequitur that is designed to bewilder people and make them believe it is, indeed, all those anal sex sites.

According to officials at the police department, Melville had a history of vanilla sex, including rubbing women's breasts and lusting after them. Unconfirmed reports indicate that he liked intercourse and blow-jobs too.

This latest vanilla crime does not come as a surprise to the police, who have noted a disturbing rise of the number of vanillas flooding into urban areas in recent years.

"It's a terrible situation," says Sgt. Butt. "We can't stop the tide of vanillas who are moving into our communities and having vanilla sex next door to where our own children are sleeping."

A press release from the American Family Association for the Elimination of Everyone Who Doesn't Agree with the American Family Association puts it more plainly: "Until we can eradicate vanilla sex completely, we can expect to see more and more of these heinous crimes."