ASK GLORIA: Fixing a Sexually Dead Relationship — BDSMers’ Adult Kids Are BDSMers

Welcome to “Ask Gloria,” an advice column for adults
coping with sex, gender or relationship issues.

 


 

Dear Gloria,

How do you rekindle sex when its gone out in your marriage?

We have been together for 14 years.  Our relationship was extremely sexual at the beginning but a combination of health issues, kids, military service (evil), and a hysterectomy really took my sex drive away. There has also been some emotional abuse, but he is in therapy for it now and taking medications.

He is honestly trying to fix things and so am I, because I know it’s never just one person.  We love each other but, at this point, are not in love.

Hope this wasn’t too much.  I really love him, and I want this relationship back.

Longing to Renew the Physical Love

 

Dear Longing,

Thank you for reaching out to me.   You are really speaking for millions of couples out there whose marriages go sexually dead over time as life’s unpleasant realities wash through our lives — illnesses, losses, the lifetime responsibilities that come with parenthood, fights and interpersonal hurts and frustrations and resentments, and all the other sorrows and stresses that life brings. Every one of those things can depress our sex drive.

In my office, I usually start by working on the mental attitude part and helping clients build a new framework for looking at the problem.  The point is to start setting change in motion on the inside, so you can build your way back up from your head and your heart.   So chew on these three key thinking points.

Who you are today is what you have to build on.

ONE: There is no going back.  There is nothing to go back to.  The people you were when you first met are gone.  That time and place are gone.  You are not the same people you were 14 years ago, before all the hardships and the wisdoms set in.  There is no point in grieving what is gone, either.  This is life.  It changes and we change with it.  We adapt, we grow, we take some hits, we survive.  We either accept change or die inside.

TWO:  Who you are today is what you have to build on.  The people you are today is all you’ve got.  Sure, you may get glimpses of the younger versions of yourselves when you laugh or have happy moments, and temporarily recapture that feeling.  But those are the fleeting joys.  Your real joy has to be based on who you and your partner are today and what potentials you have today.

THREE:  There is only going forward.  If you want to have a loving relationship, if you want to kindle a new erotic flame (again, not the one you had 14 years ago based on younger people but the one you can have today), base it on what you really need and want most in the here and now.  This is the man you live with today, this is your body today — what can you do tomorrow to take advantage of the life you have?

The Take-Away 

The first part of setting change in motion is about learning to let go of who you were in the past (or, more often, who you thought you were at the time), not punishing yourself for where you are today,  and pivoting your life-strategy to the person you want to become.

 

Now some practical tips on how to begin changing behaviors as a couple and work together towards your goals.

TEAM EFFORT OR NO EFFORT.  I agree with you: it takes two people to get locked into a bad marriage.  It takes two people to fix it too.   One person alone cannot fix their marriage.  More than that, both parties have to be seriously committed to the process.   Both parties need to acknowledge the problem and strategize together to make productive changes or compromises for the health of the marriage.  This way you will work together to heal the relationship.  Talk, talk, and talk some more.  Talking about sex helps to re-awaken fantasies and desires.

SET YOUR TEAM GOALS.  Do you have an image of the kind of sex life you wish you could have with your partner?  Do you know if he has an image of his ideal with you?  Form a vision of what kind of romantic life would make you happy — both individually and as a couple — and then talk about it together.  Keep discussing it until there is a meeting of the erotic minds.  The best sex lives happen when couples have a private, shared vision of what works for them.

STAGE YOUR TEAM GOALS.  Give yourself time to get your love-life back on track.  Don’t rush it.  This is a life project.  There are no instant fixes, no fancy sex-techniques, no pills that can make the change you need to make in the relationship happen over night.  So for the first week, set a modest goal, like making sure to kiss each other every morning and every night.  Or, if you already do that, maybe add cuddling or try to pay each other a meaningful compliment every day.  The next week, up the ante.  Make a date to make out.  Just keep pushing a little bit towards that ultimate goal of passionate intimacy until you’re ready to throw off the clothes and get it on.

FIND NEWS THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT EACH OTHER:  You’re older now, maybe your bodies are different and certainly your hormones may be in a new place after the hysterectomy.  Here’s a big question: can you love his body as it is today? If so, that’s your starting point to begin to see him as a sexy guy deep in your heart again.  Remember that you are a sacred team with bodies equipped to give each other pleasure.  So what do you still love and what could you love even more?  Look for all the positives, from his courage in making change to his sexiest body parts.  Build a new and better relationship based on today’s positives instead of yesterday’s negatives.

LOVE IS FUN.   Have fun with this process.  Achieving sexy goals is life-affirming and cheery work.  Doesn’t matter that they are small goals.  It’s knowing you rocked and got it done!  Each small achievement is a big step closer to the intimacy you crave.  Meanwhile, spicing up your daily live with extra kisses, cuddles, fondling and flirting, no matter how low-key, will boost your mood and make you smile more.  Enjoy the ride and have faith you can open a new door to lasting bliss.

(pssst, Don’t forget to hold hands and imagine still doing that when you’re in your 90s.) 🙂

I hope these tips help you!  Wishing you love and happiness,

HUGS,

Gloria

 


Dear Gloria,

I would like to know how to deal with adult children (including nieces, and nephews) who grew up and got involved in the Scene. The problem is that we do not want them to know about our own fetishes.

This is a second marriage for me and my husband’s first.  I have two adult kids –  and one is bisexual poly and kinky.   My husband doesn’t have children but he does have an out gay nephew.  His family’s attitude towards LGBT is is very “don’t ask, don’t tell,” which is really weird because his Mom’s brother is gay.   I believe one of my husband’s nieces is also gay, though she’s not out about it.

My husband is a cross dresser.  He is so in the closet about it there is furniture in front of the door.   He feels that if anyone at his workplace or in his family found out, it would destroy his life and career.  He is only out to people in the Scene.  Fear of exposing my husband’s fetishes made me leave Fetlife because of the risk that the adult kids in our family would find us there.

Closet Conundrum

 

Dear Closet,

I want you to know that there is no one answer to the question of coming out, which is the heart of this problem.  Your husband has his reasons for keeping the closet door shut tightly and it is, for better and worse, the way millions, if not tens of millions, of fetishists and kinky people live.   Each of them have reasons.  Sometimes the reasons are entirely valid.  Sometimes they are entirely based on irrational fears.  Either way, we work by consent, so if a person refuses to do something for whatever reason, we respect it.

Clearly you respect your husband’s limits — yet, I sense that you also feel frustrated by them and would prefer to feel like you could live as yourselves without secrets.  So I’ll give you a few options to consider.

Coming out is usually a mixed bag.  You get support where you least expected it and you get rejected by the last people you ever thought would reject you.

 

First, you could have The Big Closet Confrontation with your husband.  It’s like an intervention for people who need to come out.   If I was working with him, I know I’d be exploring whether his secrecy is fear-based or genuine free choice.  Fear-based behaviors usually result in lies, secrets and other fear-driven complications, including what you’re going through right now.   If it was free choice, he probably would have thought it through rationally and made a plan.

Two important questions to confront him with: 1.  Ask him if he really wants to spend the rest of his life frightened that his secrets could ruin him.  2.  Ask him if he wants to go through life never giving anyone close to him, not even his step-kids,  the opportunity to really love him for himself instead of the squeaky-straight image he tries to project.

You could also do what most people do and be selectively out to some family members (like your daughter) and not others (like your husband’s parents or siblings).  Maybe he is right that he’d have to get a new job.  In these economic times, maybe that’s a reason to keep it buttoned up at work.  However you do it, coming out is always a mixed bag. You get support where you least expected it and you get rejected by the last people you ever thought would reject you.  Don’t blame yourself if that happens.  Rejection speaks to the rejecters’ character, not to your choices. The people who truly love you will stick by you.

 

Second, if you’ve already had The Big Closet Confrontation, and your husband’s reasons are valid or he simply is not ready to come out, the time is overdue for him (and you) to plan mature strategies to defuse awkward situations. What if a kid found you somewhere else on-line — who knows, maybe even talking to Gloria Brame? 😉  What if someone walked in on you?  What do you say if they talk about their sex-lives: do you pretend you don’t know what they’re talking about?

If he needs to stay in the closet, and you plan to support his choice, then you absolutely must prepare for these and other potential issues that will come up as the kids get older and wiser.  They may already suspect that hubbie isn’t 100% straight.  One day they may ask you outright.  What will you say then?

 

Third, if you have both decided to keep things just between yourself, then don’t post any incriminating photos or statements anywhere on-line.   That stuff will always pose some level of threat to your sexual privacy.  Learn to quietly smile and nod when your adult children share things and stay quiet except when it comes to letting them know that you love them, support their choices, and are progressive about sex/gender identity issues.  If you need to share advice, say you heard it from a friend or read it in an advice column.

You have one interesting advantage on your side that you should freely exploit!  Kids, even adult kids, generally do not want to know what their parents or other older relatives do in bed.  They don’t want to imagine mom in sexual situations.   Like, SAFE WORD that stuff, euw!  So feel free to continue being the woman of mystery that you are.  And if you miss FetLife, create a new super-fudged up profile so you can’t be recognized by anyone who knows you. 🙂

 

Wishing you kinky joys,

HUGS,

Gloria

 


 

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