Welcome to the debut of my new advice column, “Ask Gloria,” a Friday special feature for adults coping with sex, relationship, marriage and gender issues.
Dear Gloria,
I’ve been a fan of the 50 Shades book and finally met someone I think I could have a BDSM relationship with. He reminds of Christian Grey a little, though he isn’t rich LMAO. I’m so excited I can’t stop thinking about it. I haven’t felt this turned on in years. It’s crazy. But I’m nervous because I don’t know how much I’m really ready for or even if I should really go ahead and meet him. It’s taken me this long (I’m 47 by the way) to even admit to myself I want this, and now that I found him, I want to try it but at the same time, I don’t want to disappoint him by promising to do things and then finding out it’s not for me. He has been very reassuring and says he’s willing to teach me. He told me I’d have a safe-word and we’ve been talking about limits on pain and stuff, but I am more worried about the emotional side than the physical side. Gloria, do you have any advice for me? Am I crazy to be scared or am I crazy to want to start this at my age?
Nervous Newbie
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Dear NN,
There’s nothing crazy about wanting to take your sex life in a new, exciting direction.
So, first and most emphatically: never limit your happiness according to your age. If you have a chance to be happier and sexier at 47, jump on it. There is no deadline on when an adult can tap into their authentic potential for pleasure. Each of us is entitled to the life-affirming pleasure sex. Sexier sex is a wonderful goal for adults at any age.
So let me break this down into several important threads and address each.
First, fiction is full of thrilling fantasies. Billionaires, dreamy adventures and travels. In real life, BDSM is as complicated and nuanced as any other romantic relationship. It isn’t two magic widgets matching up and mystically getting carried away to adventure. I won’t say it never happens, but I am saying it’s unlikely. In reality, BDSM relationships share more in common with plain jane relationships than they do with literary fantasies where no one is interrupted by 9 to 5 jobs, aging parents, crying children or laundry cycles.
Now, if all you are seeking is an experience or a few experiences, you can ignore some these details because you aren’t planning a life together. But if you are hoping the BDSM will turn into a long-term successful relationship, you can’t dismiss the ones that would go into any other type of relationship, beginning with: are you compatible? Do you respect each other? Can you have fun outside of BDSM (going out to dinner, seeing movies together, or just snuggling at home)? Most importantly, do you like the way he treats you when you aren’t doing BDSM?
These factors are just as important to the potential health of a BDSM relationship as whether he turns you on in bed or whether specific BDSM acts light up your eyes. It’s also something most newbies don’t think about if they rush into the physical sensations of BDSM before giving thought to whether their new partner is someone they genuinely respect and trust.
Assuming you do understand that BDSM isn’t just about matching someone with a whip to someone who wants a whipping, but is more organic and emotional, the next thing to consider is what role you’ll be playing (I guess it’s safe to assume submissive in this case, so I will). Even if your partner is willing to show you everything and teach you all his rules, you still owe it yourself to read up on how other real-life BDSMers love and play. There is no one monolithic set of rules that apply to all and you might find that other people have different ideas about how to conduct a great BDSM or power relationship. If you rely only on one person’s ideas about what BDSM is or should be, well, you might be happy if the person is experienced and caring; but you may end up like a lot of newbies sadly do, trying and failing to live up to unrealistic expectations of how a submissive should behave, usually based on fictions they’ve read or learned from an exploitative partner.
The only way to keep yourself on track is by educating yourself on the choices you could make and the potentials you could live out. If you simply give all the power to someone else to decide what your submission should look like, you may never fulfill your own potentials for joy.
Which raises another, equally important subject. Until you live out some BDSM experiences, it’s impossible to know exactly how you’ll feel about them. Submission may be the sexiest imaginable role when you’re reading about it — but how does it actually feel when you kneel before a Master and he puts a collar on you? Or you may fantasize that it’s incredibly hot to be forced into sex by a powerful master — but what if he does it in ways you don’t like or that make you feel bad about yourself or diminished? These are things you can’t know until you get your feet wet. So my advice is that you don’t lock yourself into any commitments until you’ve had at least 2-3 months of regular experiences. Don’t sign any slave contracts, don’t whisper your eternal loyalty, and don’t limit yourself to labels or even assume you will only play one role. In real life, BDSM evolves and changes and so do the people doing it. People can discover that switching is fun or that service is more satisfying than physical play. Over time, most BDSMers evolve their own definitions of what it means to be “submissive” and “dominant,” based on the kinds of relationships they are having and how their feelings for their partners grow.
So my best advice for all newbies is to take a deep breath, take a reality-check, and cut yourself a lot of slack. Let your turnons guide you to explore new fantasies and roles until you find the place that gives you the most joy and the most peace. It’s your journey, so don’t build walls and obstacles before you complete it.
Now a word about the fear factor: if it’s any comfort, we’ve all been there. It’s a pivotal life-moment when you make the conscious choice to act on your BDSM needs. You deserve congratulations for screwing up the courage to try something new and radical in bed. Being nervous, a little unsure, and cautious is not just normal — it’s healthy. It means you are keeping one foot on the ground even as you are reaching for the stars.
So, finally, here it is: if you believe this guy is safe, respectful and will stop if you need him to, then you’d be cheating yourself out of a possibility for true, soul-deep, authentic pleasure if you don’t at least give him a low-key kinky whirl. Have fun and play safe!
Hugs,
Gloria
Dear Gloria,
Now that you have asked for questions, I have one for you.
I have a trans boyfriend. We met during the dawn of his transition, and we’re now two years in. I have never been with a man sexually before. I have since found that I have erectile dysfunction with him, while I have no problems with my girlfriend. BDSM activities help, but I find that even when I’m turned on at the beginning I lose interest as our sessions or lovemaking gets going.
Do you think anything could help us? We are very much in love and I hope to enjoy much more sex with him!
Sincerely,
Straight in a gay relationship
Dear SGR:
Usually, when a male-bodied person can get it up and maintain his erection until orgasm with one partner but not with another, the issue is an underlying emotional barrier. True erectile dysfunction is chronic and usually has some underlying medical cause. Clinically, what’s happening to you is “situational dysfunction” or what I prefer to call “situational softness,” because it isn’t a true (organic) dysfunction but, more likely, a stress response that is diminishing your desire in the moment.
That means you can fix this and overcome whatever emotional barrier is blocking you from having the sex you desire with your partner. Since you have not given me the kind of deep details I’d pry out of someone in my office, I will try to cover some of the most common reasons stress might be coming between you and your penis.
Ambiguity: It sounds like you have dealt with your partner’s transition in positive, affirmative ways. You accept him and his journey. But how do you see yourself? Does your relationship with him today stir any ambiguity in how you see yourself now? It’s hard to be yourself in bed when your brain is re-processing your sexual behaviors and identity. BIG RED FLAG if you find yourself spending more time in your mind than in your body when you are intimate with him. If you’re overthinking things or stressing out, the blood-flow to the penis starts to dry up. Meditation and focus techniques can help you feel more centered. (Sign up for my newsletter – link at the bottom of the page – to get free audio classes on guided meditations you can do to promote better sexual performance.)
Inner Conflict: We all go through a conflict phase when we are evolving our sexual potentials. It’s a natural fear mechanism in the brain, responding cautiously or nervously to new sexual situations and sensations. If you’ve never been with a man before, it’s possible you have some residual inhibitions or baggage from your life as a straight man. Either your expectations are out of kilter (for example, you expect to feel the same things you do with a woman) or you are stressing over what your performance says about you. BIG RED FLAG if you disassociate during the experience and see yourself doing him, instead of being fully present with him. If this is your situation, the first step is identifying the cause of the internal conflict, talking about it to your partner, dealing with it as a couple, and then letting it go.
Performance Anxiety: It’s not uncommon for men to invest high expectations on their genital performance and to then judge their masculinity according to how hard they get. I don’t know the intimate details of your journey with your partner, but one characteristic common in trans relationships is a period of adjustment as partners adapt to the realities of gender affirmation and deal with emotional changes brought on by hormone treatments. In other words, sex isn’t usually perfect at the beginning as both partners adapt their sexual repertoires to their gender realities. BIG RED FLAG: you get super-frustrated by small fails and blame yourself. Try slowing sex to a more sensual, exploratory model, with less emphasis on penetration and more emphasis on mutual foreplay. Give yourself time to adapt to the new realities, stop judging yourself or worrying you can’t satisfy him, and please give yourself permission to enjoy what you can enjoy with him and to quit worrying about what you’re not enjoying YET.
The Right Position: If your partner still has a functioning vagina, and that’s your go-to for penetration, it is possible that your gay experience is being disturbed by vaginal sex. BIG RED FLAG: it feels awkward, and a little off-putting. That’s a pretty simple fix. Anal sex may work better for you, especially if you do it from behind the first few times so you can stay focused on your thrusting pleasure. Help your brain align the gay relationship you have with the type of sex you have. I’m not saying you should quit vaginal penetration (especially if that is how your partner orgasms), just saying that other positions might keep you steamier and in a more exclusively masculine space.
Quick Fixes: You have some alternatives during this sexual blip in your relationship. The quickest fix money can buy is a prescription for Viagra or Cialis to get through this period of adjustment. If you don’t want a pill, then try a rubber cock ring. A cock ring will help you to maintain a stiff hard-on for about half an hour (at which point you should remove it to allow the blood to flow back out into the body naturally). Either or both of these will help you overcome the physical block and regain your self-confidence so that you may love your man the way you want, even while your brain is processing this new evolution in your sex life.
HUGS,
Gloria
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